Push the Reset Button

We have had the most glorious summer, full of fun travels that allowed the girls to dip their toes in two different oceans and the Gulf of Mexico. The girls are growing and trying out new challenges as they face their fears. For Maddie, my pep talks and my being a willing riding companion encouraged her to try EVERY roller coaster she encountered at seven amusement parks. That's no small feat for a girl who was afraid of heights and motion until recently. For Wendy, she desires a simple hug. I've come to realize the hug is her "reset" button. A hug, or, rather, a "huggie," as she calls it, can give her confidence to go down a long slide. It can reset a bad mood, and even offer reassurance that we love her after a stint in time-out.

It's back-to-school time, which means we are all hitting the reset button. I'm buying the same sorts of school supplies I always have, but the parenting challenges are getting harder. Take, for instance, what happened tonight...

Wendy and I were killing time waiting for Maddie to finish rehearsal, so we went into McDonald's to have dinner and hang out. As soon as we walked in, an adorable little girl from preschool yelled, "WENDY!!!!" and invited us to have dinner with her, her older sister, and her aunt. We all had a great time chatting, and then her aunt got up to buy the girls ice cream. While she was away, the girl's older sister started asking her little sister questions about Wendy:

Girl: "Does your friend speak Chinese?"

At this point, I jumped in and said, "No, she doesn't remember any. If she wants to learn it later, that would be great."

Girl: "What happened to her mom?"

Me (thinking... oh, we are going here): "Well, we don't really know. But I'm her mom."

Girl: "She's probably dead."

Me (thinking... oh dear/whoa/ouch... this is a really important parenting moment, so don't screw it up): "Well, I don't think so. She couldn't take care of her anymore, so now I am her mom."

Girl: "Did you adopt her?"

Me: "Yes, and we are so happy she is in our family" (with a huge smile).

At this point, the younger sister jumped in--looking kind of confused--and asked her big sister what we were talking about. The girl answered, "her real mom."

Me: "Actually, I'm her mom, and she is part of our family now."

The whole time I kept looking at Wendy, afraid she would feel hurt or confused. Amazingly, she was so distracted by her Happy Meal toy that she missed the whole conversation.  As hard as it was, I loved the fact the little girl asking the questions was only 7. She was not trying to be hurtful or nosy; she was simply curious and didn't have adult filters to edit herself. I also loved that her aunt had stepped away because she may have tried to stop the conversation, and clearly, I need practice addressing these sorts of inquiries in a way that makes Wendy feel safe, honored, and loved. Because there will more of them, and she won't be oblivious to the questions for long.

It dawned on me that she will have comments directed to her when I'm not even around, and I wonder what emotional tools I need to provide her in the next few years so that she can handle these encounters with confidence and pride. We have only talked about adoption and China positively, and it hurts my heart to think of the moment when somebody makes her feel bad about herself for reasons beyond her control and understanding. It's a huge weight for such a little girl to carry. In our adoption training, I learned that some children don't share some of these painful moments because they don't want their parents to feel bad. I hope she will tell me about them so she is not suffering alone.

I'm not sure if I handled the conversation the best way possible, but I did the best I could at the time. It's funny because I recall when we first came home from China, I expected to be asked a lot of questions and prepared my defensive strategies every time I walked down the grocery aisle. While shopping for diapers, I was also sending mental messages to every stranger I would see: "Go ahead. Insult my child and you are going to get it." I steeled myself for a verbal assault at every corner, wondering, will it happen in the produce section or frozen foods? I'm no Dirty Harry, and that's not a healthy way to live or protect your child. Thankfully, I have relaxed a lot and have tamed Mama Bear. Actually, I have been pleasantly surprised by all of the positive, warm comments strangers have made. I've gotten to a place where I've almost forgotten that people can say hurtful things about our family, intentionally or not. But, I know our golden age of innocence with Wendy will be over soon, and I'm going to need a lot more than "huggies" to reset our spirits. For now, they will have to do, but I will keep learning.